So far, so good

So far, my "no more bad days" campaign is working well. I've caught myself thinking negatively about things or letting the past creep up on me a couple of times. If I catch it in time, so far, I've been able to nip it.

I am becoming more certain, with time, that I need more to do. Something steady and consistent that I can be proud of. A place to go where I have to wear real clothes and act like a professional. I really feel like I need to go back to work (in a real job.) I think a real job would help my self-esteem a lot and make me feel better about myself altogether. It would also give me less time to dwell on the past, feel sorry for myself, and otherwise let things get to me. Some might say that I should take my current situation and be happy with it. There was a time when I would have thought that having no job to go to and having an abundance of free time, and being able financially to get away with it, would be a great thing. Being in that situation, its not so great. Its boring and lonely and neither is good for my mood in a general sense. There is the hurdle of what to do with the kids if I go back to work (Mic is taken care of for now, but he'll be back home sooner or later). But there are plenty of households in America in which both parents work and they seem to manage.

Micro-managed Mood

I decided to publish Grandma's latest comment, despite it being rudely made, ridiculing of me and my last post, and even less friendly than her usual approach (I can't IMAGINE why your neighbors hate you (if in fact they do...) Her point, when you get past the ridicule and meanness, is well taken. I have fallen into the habit (recently or over a long time, I don't know) of micro-managing my mood, of being too aware of how I'm feeling right now and focusing on the minute swings, of losing the scope of the bigger picture, of taking my "emotional temperature" too often. Once I got finished being pissed off about Grandma's comment, I realized all of this.

So, yesterday, I got out of bed and declared that I'm no longer having "bad days". Yeah, some will be worse than others, and parts of some of them will be worse than other parts. But I'm done taking my temperature too often. I am going to put forth extra effort in what my therapist (I've seen him once, but I like him) refers to as the "spin" I put on things. He suggested that I really focus on living today, not worrying about what I dread about tomorrow until tomorrow gets here, and focus on doing whatever it is I'm doing at the moment and doing so in a positive light. "What good comes from what I'm doing right now?" "What do I have to look forward to today?"

I need more to do. I've tried to come up with an organization for which to volunteer, one about which I really care. But so far nothing has come to me. I suggested a couple and Melissa shot them down, pointing out that they would require a bit of training and that that training might not work for me right now. I'm still considering contacting the District Attorney's Office or the Public Defender's Office and seeing if I can do some office work for one of them. I can handle the training, if any and the justice system, which in my opinion is in need of some serious help, is something I could throw myself into. Short of something like that, I'm considering planting a garden in my bigger than necessary backyard of weeds. We don't really have a "lawn" in the backyard. The front is a nice Bermuda grass lawn (which is, with some professional help, becoming weed free.) In the back, we have an "Arkansas lawn." Its green and, from a distance, looks nice. But up close you can see that its really just mowed weeds. Some of that weed area could easily be converted to a raised garden or flower bed, which would give me plenty of hours of work to do and some outside time (good for the mood.) I'll come up with something.

UpsandDowns

For many of the days in this last week, my mood has seemed pretty unstable (relative to the week before.) Usually my mood varies from day to day. Days that start good seem to be good, and days that are going to be bad usually don't start out very good to begin with. But that rule doesn't seem to be holding lately. Mood shifts seem to come more quickly and good and bad moods seem to be getting shorter and occurring intra-day instead of on a day-by-day basis. Lately, also, I don't eat when I'm depressed. Nothing sounds good and I don't seem to get hungry. This is a new aspect of my depressed moods. I'm not sure when it started or what caused the change.

Sunday, we had the whole local family over for lunch for my mother-in-law's birthday. The whole gang is comprised of 14 people ranging in age from about 6 months to about 65. I don't know why, but Sundays and these big family get-togethers don't seem to be good for me. Yesterday, I found my mood getting worse as the day went on. I like all of my in-laws, and I'm sure its not the people that push my mood down. Melissa hypothesized that the phenomenon was due to the fact that it isn't with my family that we get together. I don't really have much family that I stay in touch with (there's my dad, and that's about it.) I don't know what the connection between the big family gatherings and my mood is, but its pretty consistent. Sundays are usually hard days for me in general. I think that's because Sunday has always been a hard day for Mic. He's usually bored by Sunday, needing to go back to school or day-treatment, and needing constant attention. But with Mic out of the house, I should be able to relax and enjoy the day. That just doesn't seem to happen. After everyone was gone yesterday, after sitting around and realizing how bad my mood had become, I took Maggie out to the driving range to hit a bucket of golf balls. Getting out and doing something usually helps, and it did yesterday.

Today started out bad, from the minute I got out of bed, was bad for most of the day, and then got better. The swings in my mood seem to be getting shorter, with an "ok" mood at one end of the scope and "really shitty" at the other end. Today, I worked at the liquor store. The whole morning seemed like it lasted forever, and none of it was good. At one point, I hid in the store room and just sat there, staring at the floor. I felt like just sitting there and crying. All of the thoughts that go along with my depression were running through my head (thoughts of everything that I've lost as a result of depression and ECT, worthlessness, having nothing to look forward to, not wanting to fight my way through another day, suicide). I worked very hard at not breaking down and crying, but a couple of tears fell from my eyes anyway. Had I not been at work, I'm sure I would have been much worse. My mind wouldn't leave the idea of dying and who I would be hurting and how I could better prepare things before I go. Depressed mood and suicidal ideation always go hand-in-hand for me now. In the past, I could be depressed and just feel shitty, but not think about ending my life. Not any more. Depression and suicide have a solid link, and one doesn't come without the other. Since about 1:00, however, my mood has improved. I came home and mowed the lawn and worked on a gate to the backyard and started dinner. No explanation for the shift in mood, but I'm glad for it.

Take me out to the ballgame...

Since my last post, I have again increased the Risperdal I am taking. I used to be at 2mg, then stepped up to 3mg, and now up to 4mg. I made the last change on Friday. My days have been good ones since the last increase. Even on those days when I can feel depression coming on, I've been able (for the most part) to catch myself, get control of how I wanted my day to go, and have a good day. It takes constant diligence and monitoring, but I can see that, on most days, I can control my mood and at least get through the day.

Sunday, Melissa, Maggie and I went to an Arkansas Razorback college baseball game (we beat the hell out of Vanderbilt, the number 1 team in the country...go Hogs!) That evening, we had my mother-in-law over for dinner (burgers on the grill.) It was a great day all around. Staying busy is one of the best avenues to wellness for me. Getting busy and staying that way is one of the hardest things to do when my mood is low.

That's all for now.

Some highs and some lows

Monday and Tuesday of this week were pretty good. The days were productive and the evenings were not unhappy (calling them "happy" might be pushing it.) Wednesday, all day, I had this feeling that my mood was slipping, but it hadn't yet slipped. Maybe the increased Risperdal is working? I could feel all day that a low in my mood was hanging around in the background, but not coming forth. Odd. Sometimes I can see a dip in my mood coming, buts its usually coming and then arrives. This was different.

Wednesday night at the residential home where Mic is is "Family Dinner Night." Melissa and I went, had dinner with Mic and then stood around in the gym for half an hour with Mic. It wasn't a good outing. I could feel, and Mic was exhibiting, the tension that usually comes from trying really hard to hold things together. I'm sure he's bottling things up the best he can for now around the residential people. We'll see how things go.

Today was a less than "ok" day. This morning my mood seemed to drop from the time I got up until I got Maggie to go swimming with me at the health club. It wasn't a suicidal day. I was just in a horrible mood and nothing felt right. I've never noticed it before, but recently, I don't eat when I'm depressed or getting there. Today I didn't eat until about 3:00, after swimming. I didn't really feel like swimming, but I knew that going a mile or so would help me get through the day. It did. Maybe that feeling yesterday of a bad mood looming in the distance came to fruition today. Who knows?

Sally T's comment to my last post is a good one (and Sally is an endless source of web links and information...thanks Sally.) I have had to become very diligent in writing things down and making lists of things I need to do. I usually use the pad of paper I carry in my back pocket (I call it "The Brain") to jot things down and then I copy them to my primary source of things to remember: Microsoft Outlook. All of my weekly housecleaning chores are in my "Task List", as are all of the projects around the house that I want to get completed and anything else that I want to accomplish. I also have a paper calendar on my desk with all of my appointments in it. I've learned that I need to write appointments down right away, or they get forgotten. I've used Outlook for many years...just not like this until recently. I DO, however, need to find other ways to cope with the memory loss and cognitive deficiencies. I'm just not as sharp as I used to be. I can't do math and solve problems in my head like I used to be able to do. I get frustrated, often, that I have to write all of these things down in order to remember them or figure them out. Getting past that frustration and anger doesn't seem to be coming very quickly. I guess nothing good comes easily. Damn, I wish that it did.

Reading

The last several days have been stable and pretty good days. No real ups or downs. I may be running just a little short of "normal" (there's that undefined word again) on the depression scale, but I'll take that for now.

I've noticed that, when thinking of topics about which to write, I can't remember if I've written about them before. I'm quite sure that I have written about some topics or stories more than once (but going back, at this point, to try to figure that out would be very time-consuming and futile.)

I've never been a fast reader. Great and detailed comprehension, very little speed. Melissa can knock off a book in a weekend, and in a day if its not too long. I didn't read at all, in fact, until depression became part of my life. It was then that many things I used to enjoy brought much less happiness and books seemed to be a good way to escape what was going on in my head. So, for several years before ECT I would park myself at a local coffee joint (usually a Starbucks, since they have slowly chocked everyone else out in most places) and read for about an hour on most days. My reading speed increased slowly until I was reading a book every week or ten days. I've noticed since ECT that my speed has dropped off considerably, as has my comprehension. I find myself having to read the same paragraph more than once because my mind would wander off onto something else while I "read." I sometimes, now, will continue scanning words in a book but have my thoughts somewhere else entirely. I think, as time goes by, instead of getting better, this problem is getting worse. On many days, now, I have a lot of trouble reading. I will invert words in a sentence or letter in a word and have to look closely at the writing in order to get it right.

Melissa swears that my memory is getting worse (sometimes I agree with her, and I know its not getting better.) Likewise, my frustration tolerance isn't getting much better, if any. I feel less confident in myself when it comes to doing little household projects and, when I run into little snags in those projects, that lessened frustration tolerance really comes out. And its little projects like hanging curtain rods. Maybe some of the problem is that I don't want to screw things up in our new house and this is really an anxiety issue. Nonetheless, the less confident I feel the more frustrated I get, and the more frustrated I feel, the less confident I become. Its another ugly cycle that I don't remember occurring before ECT.

No Comments Link

Sally T let me know that there have not been hyperlinks in my posts that led to a page into which you could enter comments. I wondered why I was getting no comments! I think I've fixed that problem.

Trials and Tribulations

As I mentioned in my last post, things are dramatic and rocky at home right now. Mic, my son, was hospitalized for his illness(es) for a week. Yesterday, we had a meeting with him and a therapist, at the hospital, to let him know that he would be moving, today, to residential treatment. He was sad. He cried and made it clear that he wanted to come home and that he would be safe at home if he had another chance. it was all very heart-wrenching. And I think that he knew, on some level, residential treatment was the place for him for now.

Today, we made the move from hospital to residential. Without naming names or facilities, I was very unimpressed with the professionalism and compassion shown by the hospital, and (so far) very impressed with the environment at the residential home. Mic has been placed with a good peer group for him and I think it will be a positive experience for all of us. Mic was in residential treatment for 15 months previously. Those 15 months ended in January during my ECT treatments. I don't remember much at all about that time period. I don't remember what it was like to not have Mic in the house. I don't even remember him coming home. My memory still sucks from ECT (and depression and medications), but I feel much more in touch with the family and what is going on now than I have for several years. Maybe I'll remember more of this upcoming period of time than I did the last. Melissa and I have sort of gotten past the emotional part of placing Mic in residential. We both know that its the right thing to do for all of us. But its a damned hard thing to do to someone you love. I kept trying to imagine what it must feel like to be Mic. To be knowing that I wouldn't be living at home for a while. How that walk down the hall, after telling us by, and walking into a completely new environment in which he knew no one, must have felt. I can think back to when I was his age...awkward, unsure of myself, shy...and how hard it would have been for me. Mic's perspective is different than mine would have been at that age, but I'm sure there was nothing easy about today for Mic. I love him and I feel very sad for him. He got dealt a shitty hand in life, and he and we continue to learn to make the best of it and do the best things for him and our family.

I saw my psychiatrist this week. She didn't seem to think much of the few sudden (and sometimes critical) plummets in my mood that I've had since I last saw her (6 weeks ago.) We did increase my Risperdal dosage to maximize its antidepressant qualities. Antidepressants haven't been very successful for me in general. Maybe the atypical anti psychotics will be. At any rate, through all of the Mic happenings and Melissa's emotional roller coaster and trying to keep Maggie on an even keel, my mood has held pretty fast to stable.

I've been thinking, much more routinely than in the past, about living today and enjoying what I'm doing today, instead of dwelling in the past or looking down the road and wanting to know NOW what that looks like. Things seem to be stabilizing a little on several fronts. I have to enjoy that fact and live in the moment. When my mood is holding, that's a lot easier to do. On those few days when I dive into the hole, no amount of positive thinking, it seems, is able to bring me o9ut of the funk.

This afternoon was beautiful outside. I dusted off the old golf clubs and, for the first time in several years, went and hit a bucket of balls at the driving range. I still can't hit a golf ball straight, but I had fun trying. Maybe after a couple more buckets, I'll be ready to embarrass myself in a round of golf with someone I know. I've been invited to play by several people...once I get my swing back (not that it was much of a swing back when I did play once a week or so.) Something to work toward...

Until later...living it as it comes.

Wow

its been a few days since my last post. It seems that life got very hectic for a few days (and maybe hasn't slowed down much yet.) Overall, my days have been good, Saturday bordering on "Great." That said, there has been some well justified sadness in my heart. But I think I have dealt with that sadness in a reasonable and, dare I say it, normal way. I feel sad for my son.

For those of you that have been reading this blog for a while, you know that my son is mentally ill. His diagnoses are schizo affective disorder and Asberger's Syndrome. He's 13, nearly 14. He hasn't been doing well in school since our move to Arkansas. A public school setting with "peers" of his same chronological age is extremely difficult for him. He functions, on an emotional basis, at about level of a 6 or 7 year old. Being thrown in with kids that are 13 and 14 makes him an easy target for bullies. Mic has been hospitalized several times for his illnesses over the last 8 years, and he spent 15 months in residential treatment. Most of the rest of the time he has been in a therapeutic day treatment program (like school, only designed to fit his needs and accommodate his outbursts.)

Mic was hospitalized on Thursday after trying to hurt himself. He talks all the time about wanting to die and killing himself. We are also in the process of having him placed for another residential treatment stay. He is big, emotionally very volatile, violent, destructive, and generally out of emotional control. His public school setting is driving much of this latest degradation. So, that;s all been dramatic. And very sad. I feel this overwhelming sadness for him, that his life is what it is, and that there is no "fix" for him. All he wants is to be normal and to have friends (like his younger sister.)

These stresses (both Mic and my mental health) are weighing heavily on Melissa's emotional state. Thank goodness for the family "rock." I've said it before, and I'll say it many times again, I don't know where she gets her resilience and courage in the face of adversity, but its there and she's kept us together for a long time. If you are reading this, Melissa, I love you.

I'll keep you posted. I see my PDoc tomorrow. I will be interested to see what she makes of the few but severe depressive days I've had since I saw her six weeks ago.

Good Days

The last two days have been productive and good. I can see a distinction in that on good days, I'm able to put the past in the past and let it be dead and gone, focusing on the future. On bad days I dwell on all that I've lost, and I can't get out of that mind-set. Now, if I can just figure out how to control the day before it goes either good or bad.

Looking into a memory...

I found the following passage in a book that I'm reading. The statement came from a character in the book suffering from old age and dementia, but it fits pretty well with some situations following ECT:

"Sometimes I stand on the edge of a memory and look in. I see nothing clearly. It’s like water in a pool after a rock is thrown in. Then, if I look long enough, the water gets smoother and smoother and the ripples vanish and I can see again." ~ T. Jefferson Parker: “Cold Pursuit”

Sometimes, however, with some memories, I could stand and look at the water forever and the ripples would never clear. Then there are the memories simply not subject to spontaneous recall. Those that simply don't exist until someone prompts them.

Anyway...today has been a good day. A couple of times I've felt the pull of depression and thoughts about suicide creeping into my head, but I've been able to push them aside and move along.

Still a little volatile

This weekend has been mostly "good". Saturday was a good day, nice and stable and generally upbeat (maybe even "happy"). I ran some errands with Mic and Melissa, worked for a few hours Saturday night at the liquor store (Saturday nights are always fun...everyone is in a good mood when buying liquor for Saturday night...not the alcoholics buying to feed the habit that I see during the week.)

Sunday was my sister-in-law's 30th birthday. So, of course, we all gathered (there are 15 or 16 of us when we all get together for special occasions) at my mother-in-laws house for lunch. The day started off a little slow. I laid in bed for almost an hour after I woke, just not ready to get up. Not a great sign. The day never really got moving in a positive direction and went downhill for most of the day. I was pretty in the dumps by the time I got home at about 4:30. When we got home, Mic had a total melt-down, throwing things, banging his head against the wall, calling people "bitch" and using an assortment of inappropriate language. It was a good 30 0r 40 minute rage. Not pleasant, but, I noticed later, that it gave me a reason to take the focus off of my mood and direct it toward something else. By the end of the Mic event, I was feeling much better. I'd give today an "ok" overall.

Just as an update on Mic, he has been placed for residential treatment here in Arkansas and we are waiting on a bed. Should be sometime at the end of the month. I dread the day (because Melissa will be a mess) and I look forward to the day (we can all stop waling on eggshells waiting on his next explosion. In the meantime, we are trying to get through one day at a time without him hurting himself, someone else, or tearing up the house (he made a dent in the hallway wall today bashing his head against it.)

Jekyll & Hyde

Today has been a good day. Compared to yesterday, today has been a great day. But in trying to remain within the structure of an objective scale, it didn't qualify as "great", but it certainly hit the "good" category. I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by mood swings. I know that, even after ECT treatments, I still live with a mood disorder and my mood will swing to some extent. I don't remember (take that for what its worth) ever having the kind of mood swing I've had over the last two days. I don't think I'm manic or even hypo-manic today. Its more like I'm at peace. At peace with what, I'm not sure. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Even knowing that I have a mood disorder and that mood swings are part of that disorder, I don't know how yesterday could have been so bad, how I could have stood so close to ending my life, and how I could feel good today. It is amazing how blind depression makes you. It blinds you to the fact that there is anything good in your life. It takes from you the ability to realize any self-worth or reason for living. Today I am looking at yesterday with a certain amazement. Its as if, yesterday, I was looking at the day from the inside of a snow globe. All I could see was the inside of that globe and the world was confined to the contents of that globe. Today, I'm looking at the snow globe from the outside and realizing that there is so much more to life than what's in that globe. How can those of us that suffer from depression expect those that haven't to understand how it feels or what goes through a depressed mind? I don't even understand my own depression.

For those of you that wrote and commented with concern for me, you can put those worries down for now. The world is a brighter place today. Maybe the pendulum will stop swinging and leave me where I am today.

On a scale of 1 to 10...

This was a 1 or a two (although I'm not sure how it could have been much worse.) No precipitating factors. Just shitty out of the gate. Melissa said that she could see it in my eyes when I got out of bed. I spent 2 and a half hours sitting at my home desk, doing absolutely nothing but staring out the window and talking to myself about all of the reasons that today was a good day to die. I discussed exactly what steps I needed to take (there were 7) between where I sat and being past the point of no return. I struggled with reasons NOT to make today my last. The pain I would cause others was the only one I could come up with. That just barely, I guess, outweighed all of the reasons I found to call it quits. I cried off and on most of the day. In the end, I think I was too big of a coward to "pull the trigger" (figurative use of the term...a gun is not part of the plan.)

I horrible talking to Melissa about my real feelings and how dark the places are to which my mind goes often. She has so much on her plate already with general life AND dealing with Mic, his issues which are worsening with time, and residential treatment for him. I can't, I won't, burden her with my problems any more than can be avoided (she sees right through me when I'm feeling badly. I can't hide it very well. ) But I'm tired of being another weight for her to bear. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone around me. I'm tired of my family planning the family life around "how dads feeling." I think I'm just tired of what my life has become. And there's really nothing on the horizon that makes me want to hang on (other than delaying the pain I would cause my loved ones.) I can't stand the idea of my death having a life long negative effect on Maggie for the sake of ending my pain. I know that Maggie wil greive for me, and I would like to think that she will get past it in time and go on to reach the great potential that she possesses. I can't help feeling like Melissa knows the inevitable end to this story as well as I do, and that ending the story sooner rather than later would save everyone a lot of grief.

Maybe it just wasn't time yet today (although I got everything in order that needs to be in order and had the act down to several easily-carried out steps.) Maybe I'm too much of a coward to go all the way. Maybe tomorrow will be better and it won't matter. These really bad days are usually followed by a better one. But today was as bad a day as I've had since ECT. And the bad days seem to be getting worse and more frequent. I try to convince myself that, as Melissa says, these are just bobbles in my mood. But they are really just plunges in my mood (trees) in a forest of an otherwise increasingly miserable and unlivable existence. Back in Denver, today might have included an admission to the psych hospital (against my wishes.) Here, in Fayetteville, AR, there are no psych hospitals. There is really very little support other than family.

I can't decide if I'm upset with myself for not going forward with the plan today, or thankful for another day and another chance for life to seem better. In either case, I guess I feel lucky to be alive, and unlucky enought to have to deal with another day tomorrow that feels just like the one today. There's always tomorrow for making final and important decisions. For myself, I have to know that ending my life is the right thing to do before I go there. Today, I guess, I just wasn't quite that sure. Tomorrow...who knows? Wish me luck, or pray for me, or whatever your faith leads you to.

Melancholy Days

I had something of particular interest to write about today, but I can't remember what it was.

The last two days have been somewhat melancholy. I wouldn't say I've been depressed. Not overly sad or crying or having that overwhelming sense of uselessness (but having a more resolved sense of uselessness.) But they certainly haven't been good days. I'd give them an "OK" on the scale.

In looking at my life, I can't get used to the fact that I don't do anything but keep the house clean, feed the kids and go to the grocery store. I remember (a rare phenomenon) when I used to work my butt off as a lawyer and a mortgage broker having these thoughts about what it would be like to not have to work and to be able to do what I wanted every day. Then, I thought that it would be great. Now, standing on this side of the fence, I note that the grass isn't any greener and, in fact, is nothing but clumps of dying weeds. I just don't feel any usefulness coming from any part of my life. Thoughts of suicide come and go as a regular part of my life, and have (again) for a couple of months. They aren't, now, thoughts of desperation like they once were before ECT started. The thoughts are simply thoughts about how much I don't want to live like this any more. I just feel tired. Tired of the day to day struggle. Tired of waking up every day and dreading doing another day just like the last one. I'm still on the lookout for a way to curb these thoughts and look at my days with enthusiasm and excitement. I look for ways to be happy to have so much free time and the freedom to do with my days what I want. I hope to find that enthusiasm and excitement sometime soon.

Melissa was telling me a story about a father and son that went to a special ball game together. When asked how the game was, the father replied "Oh! It was GREAT! We had such a blast!" I don't seem to ever feel that way. Nothing that I do produces enough pleasure for me to call it great. As close as I've come was a couple weekends ago when I met a former roommate of mine at our alma mater for a night (there was a ceremony that we attended, along with dinner and an alumni basketball game.) It was an enjoyable evening. It was one of the rare times when I wasn't thinking about how things could be better. "How could things be better?" is the central theme in my life. Its what rules every day. And its what I am trying to break away from for a glimpse of all that I DO have in my life. I wonder if that glimpse of the good is ever going to come.

Check out the link on the right entitled "Shock Treatment, Brain Damage, and Memory Loss: A Neurological Perspective." The section entitled "Memory Loss" is particularly on the money in describing the memory and cognitive losses I have noticed following ECT.

Meds change leads to some horrible days

During my recent first appointment with my new psychiatrist, we decided to increase my Lamictal dosage. I was on a very low dosage and I was having some increasingly significant mood swings. The dosage was doubled, to be increased in two steps. After the first step in the increase, after about 3 or 4 days, I had a really down day. I have had, routinely, down days with increasing frequency, since ending my ECT treatments. But this one was different. It was a plunge. Very dark outlook, isolated...just a shitty day altogether. And the next day I was fine. I didn't think much of it other than it was a more severe mood swing than had been the norm.

A week later, I increased the Lamictal again. 3 or 4 days later, another (and even worse) plunge. I cried all day, thought about suicide, even worked on my suicide letter to my family. And the next day...I was fine. I don't believe much in coincidence. Has anyone else had a similar experience when increasing mood stabilizers?

A funny story

Being in a new city (town), I had to seek out new psychiatric help. I looked through the list of doctors "in network" on my insurance (which, by the way, sucks). There were several to choose from. I picked on that wasn't ancient (and more likely to be up to date on new medications and research on my illness). I also looked for some additional credentials. I found a doctor that was in Private practice and who also worked as a forensic psychiatrist...interesting.

During my first visit, we talked for quite some time about past treatment, what I needed now, what I had tried and hadn't tried, and other preliminary things. About half way through this conversation, it occurred to me that this doctor seemed familiar for some reason. She was attractive, about my age (I realized after some time), and something about her reminded me of someone. Without using any names...I realized that I hadn't paid much attention to what her first name was. I also realized that I was back Arkansas, where I grew up and went to college. I glanced over at some paperwork I had in the chair beside me, and there it was: Her full name. And I realized, in this flash of light, that I knew this lady from college. We were in the same class! We hung out with the same people (and I guess, indirectly hung out together). We drank and partied together! Needless to say, once I mentioned our connection, our conversation went off on a bot of a tangent when she realized that she knew me too. Small world...too small.

Out of the frying pan, into the fire

Welcome! This is the first post in this new blog which is a sequel to my previous blog, "ECT: A Journey out of Darkness" (http://www.mikeect.blogspot.com/). I had stopped writing in that blog because, in its beginnings, that blog was to keep track of the day to day life of a patient undergoing ECT treatments. Those ended 10 months ago. It seemed to me that my ECT journey had ended, and thus, so should the blog. Having picked up several regular readers along the way, I was reminded that the ECT journey hadn't ended, that there was very little data concerning the long-term effects of ECT, and that several people cared and were interested in how things were going on a continuing basis. Instead of continuing the previous blog, this blog will pick up where the other left off and deal with the road post-ECT.

SallyT, a friend I picked up while writing the previous blog, suggested that my ECT road hadn't ended, but that it will continue indefinitely as I continue to find out who the post-ECT me really is. And believe me, the post-ECT Mike is a completely different person from the pre-ECT Mike. ECT did wonders for the depression I suffered from. It also had some very devastating side effects which have changed who I am, what I can and can't do, and even my likes and dislikes. I don't know if I can say that ECT saved my life. It extended A life. But my life before depression and ECT ended some time ago and a new life began. I spend every day exploring what that new life is all about, who I am, where I can go from here (asked another way "Is this all there is left?"), and what I want for myself and my family going forward.

Its been a while since my lasts posts in the previous blog. In the meantime, my family has moved from one state to another, rented a house for a while, bought a house and moved again, and spent a lot of time adjusting to life in a new place with new people and a new way of life. I guess that move and the changes it brought have complicated my efforts at figuring out what life looks like after ECT.

I have, in past journals (which I try to keep up with, with varying degrees of success), I have tried to use mood rating scales, most often from 1 (terrible day) to 10 (better days than I've had in a long long time.) The problem with such rating scales is that, while appearing to be objective, they aren't. I have found that the scores are subject to my mood at the time I'm rating a day, and so they are unreliable. So, I will try, for purposes of this blog and for my own records, a simpler scale: "Great", "Good", "OK", and "Bad." We'll see how that works.

I like to write, sometimes about my mood and my illness, and sometimes about my off-the-wall philosophies and other things. Please feel free to comment, e-mail, or whatever. I love hearing from readers, both those that I know and those that find this blog by chance on the world wide web. If you have any links that might be helpful to others reading this blog, please send them to me or include them in a comment.