Monday and Tuesday of this week were pretty good. The days were productive and the evenings were not unhappy (calling them "happy" might be pushing it.) Wednesday, all day, I had this feeling that my mood was slipping, but it hadn't yet slipped. Maybe the increased Risperdal is working? I could feel all day that a low in my mood was hanging around in the background, but not coming forth. Odd. Sometimes I can see a dip in my mood coming, buts its usually coming and then arrives. This was different.
Wednesday night at the residential home where Mic is is "Family Dinner Night." Melissa and I went, had dinner with Mic and then stood around in the gym for half an hour with Mic. It wasn't a good outing. I could feel, and Mic was exhibiting, the tension that usually comes from trying really hard to hold things together. I'm sure he's bottling things up the best he can for now around the residential people. We'll see how things go.
Today was a less than "ok" day. This morning my mood seemed to drop from the time I got up until I got Maggie to go swimming with me at the health club. It wasn't a suicidal day. I was just in a horrible mood and nothing felt right. I've never noticed it before, but recently, I don't eat when I'm depressed or getting there. Today I didn't eat until about 3:00, after swimming. I didn't really feel like swimming, but I knew that going a mile or so would help me get through the day. It did. Maybe that feeling yesterday of a bad mood looming in the distance came to fruition today. Who knows?
Sally T's comment to my last post is a good one (and Sally is an endless source of web links and information...thanks Sally.) I have had to become very diligent in writing things down and making lists of things I need to do. I usually use the pad of paper I carry in my back pocket (I call it "The Brain") to jot things down and then I copy them to my primary source of things to remember: Microsoft Outlook. All of my weekly housecleaning chores are in my "Task List", as are all of the projects around the house that I want to get completed and anything else that I want to accomplish. I also have a paper calendar on my desk with all of my appointments in it. I've learned that I need to write appointments down right away, or they get forgotten. I've used Outlook for many years...just not like this until recently. I DO, however, need to find other ways to cope with the memory loss and cognitive deficiencies. I'm just not as sharp as I used to be. I can't do math and solve problems in my head like I used to be able to do. I get frustrated, often, that I have to write all of these things down in order to remember them or figure them out. Getting past that frustration and anger doesn't seem to be coming very quickly. I guess nothing good comes easily. Damn, I wish that it did.
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1 comment:
Dear Mike,
I follow your blog every now and then to see how you are doing.
As a very long time support person to my spouse and having traveled the road together as we are challenged by her very serious mood disorder, I am also very appreciative of people like “Sally T” who prefer to share from a more positive prospective.
I am a very vocal advocate for education of the patient and I encourage hope and persistence.
I see from the title of your past blog and this new blog you’re still using “ECT” in the context as if you’ve survived ECT. Unfortunately, ECT is only one of what I consider so few treatment options for those patients who find themselves treatment resistant and in serious trouble. Yes, ECT has its serious side-effects but I can also relate similar stories to Thorazine, Lithium, Zyprexa, Depakote, Lamictal, etc, etc. These are only treatments offering potential wellness having the inherent potential for also causing serious damage.
Personally, I find you to be one of the many who are “Survivors of Serious Mood Disorders” and unfortunately still struggling and seeking your answer(s) to wellness and I’m glad you’re still with us and blogging your experiences.
I wish I could offer you and others answers to wellness. I cannot. What I have done, like you, is to share my years of experiences, research and knowledge with the understanding there is no panacea or cure at this time for any of these serious mood disorders while at the same time pursuing my activities as a mental health advocate and pro-activist amongst other endeavors to push for newer and innovative treatment options. In my opinion, the best than one can achieve over these serious disorders is control, stabilization and long-term remissions.
I encourage you to continue your education into current and newer treatment options and learning coping skills such as those suggested by “Sally T” while at the same time remaining hopeful and persistent in the knowledge you are not alone in this boat and that there are many individuals seeking answers to our challenges.
I wish you wellness.
Warmly,
Herb
VNSdepression.com
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