Tuesday, April 10, 2007

So far, so good

So far, my "no more bad days" campaign is working well. I've caught myself thinking negatively about things or letting the past creep up on me a couple of times. If I catch it in time, so far, I've been able to nip it.

I am becoming more certain, with time, that I need more to do. Something steady and consistent that I can be proud of. A place to go where I have to wear real clothes and act like a professional. I really feel like I need to go back to work (in a real job.) I think a real job would help my self-esteem a lot and make me feel better about myself altogether. It would also give me less time to dwell on the past, feel sorry for myself, and otherwise let things get to me. Some might say that I should take my current situation and be happy with it. There was a time when I would have thought that having no job to go to and having an abundance of free time, and being able financially to get away with it, would be a great thing. Being in that situation, its not so great. Its boring and lonely and neither is good for my mood in a general sense. There is the hurdle of what to do with the kids if I go back to work (Mic is taken care of for now, but he'll be back home sooner or later). But there are plenty of households in America in which both parents work and they seem to manage.

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Micro-managed Mood

I decided to publish Grandma's latest comment, despite it being rudely made, ridiculing of me and my last post, and even less friendly than her usual approach (I can't IMAGINE why your neighbors hate you (if in fact they do...) Her point, when you get past the ridicule and meanness, is well taken. I have fallen into the habit (recently or over a long time, I don't know) of micro-managing my mood, of being too aware of how I'm feeling right now and focusing on the minute swings, of losing the scope of the bigger picture, of taking my "emotional temperature" too often. Once I got finished being pissed off about Grandma's comment, I realized all of this.

So, yesterday, I got out of bed and declared that I'm no longer having "bad days". Yeah, some will be worse than others, and parts of some of them will be worse than other parts. But I'm done taking my temperature too often. I am going to put forth extra effort in what my therapist (I've seen him once, but I like him) refers to as the "spin" I put on things. He suggested that I really focus on living today, not worrying about what I dread about tomorrow until tomorrow gets here, and focus on doing whatever it is I'm doing at the moment and doing so in a positive light. "What good comes from what I'm doing right now?" "What do I have to look forward to today?"

I need more to do. I've tried to come up with an organization for which to volunteer, one about which I really care. But so far nothing has come to me. I suggested a couple and Melissa shot them down, pointing out that they would require a bit of training and that that training might not work for me right now. I'm still considering contacting the District Attorney's Office or the Public Defender's Office and seeing if I can do some office work for one of them. I can handle the training, if any and the justice system, which in my opinion is in need of some serious help, is something I could throw myself into. Short of something like that, I'm considering planting a garden in my bigger than necessary backyard of weeds. We don't really have a "lawn" in the backyard. The front is a nice Bermuda grass lawn (which is, with some professional help, becoming weed free.) In the back, we have an "Arkansas lawn." Its green and, from a distance, looks nice. But up close you can see that its really just mowed weeds. Some of that weed area could easily be converted to a raised garden or flower bed, which would give me plenty of hours of work to do and some outside time (good for the mood.) I'll come up with something.

Monday, April 2, 2007

UpsandDowns

For many of the days in this last week, my mood has seemed pretty unstable (relative to the week before.) Usually my mood varies from day to day. Days that start good seem to be good, and days that are going to be bad usually don't start out very good to begin with. But that rule doesn't seem to be holding lately. Mood shifts seem to come more quickly and good and bad moods seem to be getting shorter and occurring intra-day instead of on a day-by-day basis. Lately, also, I don't eat when I'm depressed. Nothing sounds good and I don't seem to get hungry. This is a new aspect of my depressed moods. I'm not sure when it started or what caused the change.

Sunday, we had the whole local family over for lunch for my mother-in-law's birthday. The whole gang is comprised of 14 people ranging in age from about 6 months to about 65. I don't know why, but Sundays and these big family get-togethers don't seem to be good for me. Yesterday, I found my mood getting worse as the day went on. I like all of my in-laws, and I'm sure its not the people that push my mood down. Melissa hypothesized that the phenomenon was due to the fact that it isn't with my family that we get together. I don't really have much family that I stay in touch with (there's my dad, and that's about it.) I don't know what the connection between the big family gatherings and my mood is, but its pretty consistent. Sundays are usually hard days for me in general. I think that's because Sunday has always been a hard day for Mic. He's usually bored by Sunday, needing to go back to school or day-treatment, and needing constant attention. But with Mic out of the house, I should be able to relax and enjoy the day. That just doesn't seem to happen. After everyone was gone yesterday, after sitting around and realizing how bad my mood had become, I took Maggie out to the driving range to hit a bucket of golf balls. Getting out and doing something usually helps, and it did yesterday.

Today started out bad, from the minute I got out of bed, was bad for most of the day, and then got better. The swings in my mood seem to be getting shorter, with an "ok" mood at one end of the scope and "really shitty" at the other end. Today, I worked at the liquor store. The whole morning seemed like it lasted forever, and none of it was good. At one point, I hid in the store room and just sat there, staring at the floor. I felt like just sitting there and crying. All of the thoughts that go along with my depression were running through my head (thoughts of everything that I've lost as a result of depression and ECT, worthlessness, having nothing to look forward to, not wanting to fight my way through another day, suicide). I worked very hard at not breaking down and crying, but a couple of tears fell from my eyes anyway. Had I not been at work, I'm sure I would have been much worse. My mind wouldn't leave the idea of dying and who I would be hurting and how I could better prepare things before I go. Depressed mood and suicidal ideation always go hand-in-hand for me now. In the past, I could be depressed and just feel shitty, but not think about ending my life. Not any more. Depression and suicide have a solid link, and one doesn't come without the other. Since about 1:00, however, my mood has improved. I came home and mowed the lawn and worked on a gate to the backyard and started dinner. No explanation for the shift in mood, but I'm glad for it.