Jekyll & Hyde

Today has been a good day. Compared to yesterday, today has been a great day. But in trying to remain within the structure of an objective scale, it didn't qualify as "great", but it certainly hit the "good" category. I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by mood swings. I know that, even after ECT treatments, I still live with a mood disorder and my mood will swing to some extent. I don't remember (take that for what its worth) ever having the kind of mood swing I've had over the last two days. I don't think I'm manic or even hypo-manic today. Its more like I'm at peace. At peace with what, I'm not sure. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."

Even knowing that I have a mood disorder and that mood swings are part of that disorder, I don't know how yesterday could have been so bad, how I could have stood so close to ending my life, and how I could feel good today. It is amazing how blind depression makes you. It blinds you to the fact that there is anything good in your life. It takes from you the ability to realize any self-worth or reason for living. Today I am looking at yesterday with a certain amazement. Its as if, yesterday, I was looking at the day from the inside of a snow globe. All I could see was the inside of that globe and the world was confined to the contents of that globe. Today, I'm looking at the snow globe from the outside and realizing that there is so much more to life than what's in that globe. How can those of us that suffer from depression expect those that haven't to understand how it feels or what goes through a depressed mind? I don't even understand my own depression.

For those of you that wrote and commented with concern for me, you can put those worries down for now. The world is a brighter place today. Maybe the pendulum will stop swinging and leave me where I am today.