Sunday, March 18, 2007

Reading

The last several days have been stable and pretty good days. No real ups or downs. I may be running just a little short of "normal" (there's that undefined word again) on the depression scale, but I'll take that for now.

I've noticed that, when thinking of topics about which to write, I can't remember if I've written about them before. I'm quite sure that I have written about some topics or stories more than once (but going back, at this point, to try to figure that out would be very time-consuming and futile.)

I've never been a fast reader. Great and detailed comprehension, very little speed. Melissa can knock off a book in a weekend, and in a day if its not too long. I didn't read at all, in fact, until depression became part of my life. It was then that many things I used to enjoy brought much less happiness and books seemed to be a good way to escape what was going on in my head. So, for several years before ECT I would park myself at a local coffee joint (usually a Starbucks, since they have slowly chocked everyone else out in most places) and read for about an hour on most days. My reading speed increased slowly until I was reading a book every week or ten days. I've noticed since ECT that my speed has dropped off considerably, as has my comprehension. I find myself having to read the same paragraph more than once because my mind would wander off onto something else while I "read." I sometimes, now, will continue scanning words in a book but have my thoughts somewhere else entirely. I think, as time goes by, instead of getting better, this problem is getting worse. On many days, now, I have a lot of trouble reading. I will invert words in a sentence or letter in a word and have to look closely at the writing in order to get it right.

Melissa swears that my memory is getting worse (sometimes I agree with her, and I know its not getting better.) Likewise, my frustration tolerance isn't getting much better, if any. I feel less confident in myself when it comes to doing little household projects and, when I run into little snags in those projects, that lessened frustration tolerance really comes out. And its little projects like hanging curtain rods. Maybe some of the problem is that I don't want to screw things up in our new house and this is really an anxiety issue. Nonetheless, the less confident I feel the more frustrated I get, and the more frustrated I feel, the less confident I become. Its another ugly cycle that I don't remember occurring before ECT.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

What you are experiencing is common for those that have had ECT. It takes time to figure out the many ways you have changed. You don't emerge from your final treatment and say "I have short term memory problems" or "I have anger or emotional problems". Could I recommend that you read the information at the following site?
http://www.neuroskills.com/whattoexpect.shtml

For myself, I have found that working on compensatory strategies for my short term memory loss has helped dealing with some of the other problems. I think it's because by eliminating some of the frustration (and resulting anger) that occurs when you can't remember things, you can then use that mental energy to face some of the other issues and work on compensating for them.

It's essential that you develop a system that works for you and enables you to make things a habit again. Everyday things. For example: I finally figured out that (for me) having a dry erase board with my weekly goals or need-to-do items on it worked. I write the items down on paper first, prioritize them then put them on the board. As I accomplish them I put a checkmark by them. I do not erase anything until I am ready to re-write the whole board. Sometimes I have to keep some items on from past week(s).

That's just one example, but you need to find what works for you. And it can be quite a trial and error process. But you have to keep trying otherwise you will not progress and the anger and depression will grow.

Good luck. It's a long hard road and it requires a lot of effort to develope the patience to stick with it.

SallyT

Anonymous said...

I am still reading. I am glad you are enjoying the spring weather. I am sorry to read about Mic.

Kristy