As I mentioned in my last post, things are dramatic and rocky at home right now. Mic, my son, was hospitalized for his illness(es) for a week. Yesterday, we had a meeting with him and a therapist, at the hospital, to let him know that he would be moving, today, to residential treatment. He was sad. He cried and made it clear that he wanted to come home and that he would be safe at home if he had another chance. it was all very heart-wrenching. And I think that he knew, on some level, residential treatment was the place for him for now.
Today, we made the move from hospital to residential. Without naming names or facilities, I was very unimpressed with the professionalism and compassion shown by the hospital, and (so far) very impressed with the environment at the residential home. Mic has been placed with a good peer group for him and I think it will be a positive experience for all of us. Mic was in residential treatment for 15 months previously. Those 15 months ended in January during my ECT treatments. I don't remember much at all about that time period. I don't remember what it was like to not have Mic in the house. I don't even remember him coming home. My memory still sucks from ECT (and depression and medications), but I feel much more in touch with the family and what is going on now than I have for several years. Maybe I'll remember more of this upcoming period of time than I did the last. Melissa and I have sort of gotten past the emotional part of placing Mic in residential. We both know that its the right thing to do for all of us. But its a damned hard thing to do to someone you love. I kept trying to imagine what it must feel like to be Mic. To be knowing that I wouldn't be living at home for a while. How that walk down the hall, after telling us by, and walking into a completely new environment in which he knew no one, must have felt. I can think back to when I was his age...awkward, unsure of myself, shy...and how hard it would have been for me. Mic's perspective is different than mine would have been at that age, but I'm sure there was nothing easy about today for Mic. I love him and I feel very sad for him. He got dealt a shitty hand in life, and he and we continue to learn to make the best of it and do the best things for him and our family.
I saw my psychiatrist this week. She didn't seem to think much of the few sudden (and sometimes critical) plummets in my mood that I've had since I last saw her (6 weeks ago.) We did increase my Risperdal dosage to maximize its antidepressant qualities. Antidepressants haven't been very successful for me in general. Maybe the atypical anti psychotics will be. At any rate, through all of the Mic happenings and Melissa's emotional roller coaster and trying to keep Maggie on an even keel, my mood has held pretty fast to stable.
I've been thinking, much more routinely than in the past, about living today and enjoying what I'm doing today, instead of dwelling in the past or looking down the road and wanting to know NOW what that looks like. Things seem to be stabilizing a little on several fronts. I have to enjoy that fact and live in the moment. When my mood is holding, that's a lot easier to do. On those few days when I dive into the hole, no amount of positive thinking, it seems, is able to bring me o9ut of the funk.
This afternoon was beautiful outside. I dusted off the old golf clubs and, for the first time in several years, went and hit a bucket of balls at the driving range. I still can't hit a golf ball straight, but I had fun trying. Maybe after a couple more buckets, I'll be ready to embarrass myself in a round of golf with someone I know. I've been invited to play by several people...once I get my swing back (not that it was much of a swing back when I did play once a week or so.) Something to work toward...
Until later...living it as it comes.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
Wow
its been a few days since my last post. It seems that life got very hectic for a few days (and maybe hasn't slowed down much yet.) Overall, my days have been good, Saturday bordering on "Great." That said, there has been some well justified sadness in my heart. But I think I have dealt with that sadness in a reasonable and, dare I say it, normal way. I feel sad for my son.
For those of you that have been reading this blog for a while, you know that my son is mentally ill. His diagnoses are schizo affective disorder and Asberger's Syndrome. He's 13, nearly 14. He hasn't been doing well in school since our move to Arkansas. A public school setting with "peers" of his same chronological age is extremely difficult for him. He functions, on an emotional basis, at about level of a 6 or 7 year old. Being thrown in with kids that are 13 and 14 makes him an easy target for bullies. Mic has been hospitalized several times for his illnesses over the last 8 years, and he spent 15 months in residential treatment. Most of the rest of the time he has been in a therapeutic day treatment program (like school, only designed to fit his needs and accommodate his outbursts.)
Mic was hospitalized on Thursday after trying to hurt himself. He talks all the time about wanting to die and killing himself. We are also in the process of having him placed for another residential treatment stay. He is big, emotionally very volatile, violent, destructive, and generally out of emotional control. His public school setting is driving much of this latest degradation. So, that;s all been dramatic. And very sad. I feel this overwhelming sadness for him, that his life is what it is, and that there is no "fix" for him. All he wants is to be normal and to have friends (like his younger sister.)
These stresses (both Mic and my mental health) are weighing heavily on Melissa's emotional state. Thank goodness for the family "rock." I've said it before, and I'll say it many times again, I don't know where she gets her resilience and courage in the face of adversity, but its there and she's kept us together for a long time. If you are reading this, Melissa, I love you.
I'll keep you posted. I see my PDoc tomorrow. I will be interested to see what she makes of the few but severe depressive days I've had since I saw her six weeks ago.
For those of you that have been reading this blog for a while, you know that my son is mentally ill. His diagnoses are schizo affective disorder and Asberger's Syndrome. He's 13, nearly 14. He hasn't been doing well in school since our move to Arkansas. A public school setting with "peers" of his same chronological age is extremely difficult for him. He functions, on an emotional basis, at about level of a 6 or 7 year old. Being thrown in with kids that are 13 and 14 makes him an easy target for bullies. Mic has been hospitalized several times for his illnesses over the last 8 years, and he spent 15 months in residential treatment. Most of the rest of the time he has been in a therapeutic day treatment program (like school, only designed to fit his needs and accommodate his outbursts.)
Mic was hospitalized on Thursday after trying to hurt himself. He talks all the time about wanting to die and killing himself. We are also in the process of having him placed for another residential treatment stay. He is big, emotionally very volatile, violent, destructive, and generally out of emotional control. His public school setting is driving much of this latest degradation. So, that;s all been dramatic. And very sad. I feel this overwhelming sadness for him, that his life is what it is, and that there is no "fix" for him. All he wants is to be normal and to have friends (like his younger sister.)
These stresses (both Mic and my mental health) are weighing heavily on Melissa's emotional state. Thank goodness for the family "rock." I've said it before, and I'll say it many times again, I don't know where she gets her resilience and courage in the face of adversity, but its there and she's kept us together for a long time. If you are reading this, Melissa, I love you.
I'll keep you posted. I see my PDoc tomorrow. I will be interested to see what she makes of the few but severe depressive days I've had since I saw her six weeks ago.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Good Days
The last two days have been productive and good. I can see a distinction in that on good days, I'm able to put the past in the past and let it be dead and gone, focusing on the future. On bad days I dwell on all that I've lost, and I can't get out of that mind-set. Now, if I can just figure out how to control the day before it goes either good or bad.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Looking into a memory...
I found the following passage in a book that I'm reading. The statement came from a character in the book suffering from old age and dementia, but it fits pretty well with some situations following ECT:
"Sometimes I stand on the edge of a memory and look in. I see nothing clearly. It’s like water in a pool after a rock is thrown in. Then, if I look long enough, the water gets smoother and smoother and the ripples vanish and I can see again." ~ T. Jefferson Parker: “Cold Pursuit”
Sometimes, however, with some memories, I could stand and look at the water forever and the ripples would never clear. Then there are the memories simply not subject to spontaneous recall. Those that simply don't exist until someone prompts them.
Anyway...today has been a good day. A couple of times I've felt the pull of depression and thoughts about suicide creeping into my head, but I've been able to push them aside and move along.
"Sometimes I stand on the edge of a memory and look in. I see nothing clearly. It’s like water in a pool after a rock is thrown in. Then, if I look long enough, the water gets smoother and smoother and the ripples vanish and I can see again." ~ T. Jefferson Parker: “Cold Pursuit”
Sometimes, however, with some memories, I could stand and look at the water forever and the ripples would never clear. Then there are the memories simply not subject to spontaneous recall. Those that simply don't exist until someone prompts them.
Anyway...today has been a good day. A couple of times I've felt the pull of depression and thoughts about suicide creeping into my head, but I've been able to push them aside and move along.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Still a little volatile
This weekend has been mostly "good". Saturday was a good day, nice and stable and generally upbeat (maybe even "happy"). I ran some errands with Mic and Melissa, worked for a few hours Saturday night at the liquor store (Saturday nights are always fun...everyone is in a good mood when buying liquor for Saturday night...not the alcoholics buying to feed the habit that I see during the week.)
Sunday was my sister-in-law's 30th birthday. So, of course, we all gathered (there are 15 or 16 of us when we all get together for special occasions) at my mother-in-laws house for lunch. The day started off a little slow. I laid in bed for almost an hour after I woke, just not ready to get up. Not a great sign. The day never really got moving in a positive direction and went downhill for most of the day. I was pretty in the dumps by the time I got home at about 4:30. When we got home, Mic had a total melt-down, throwing things, banging his head against the wall, calling people "bitch" and using an assortment of inappropriate language. It was a good 30 0r 40 minute rage. Not pleasant, but, I noticed later, that it gave me a reason to take the focus off of my mood and direct it toward something else. By the end of the Mic event, I was feeling much better. I'd give today an "ok" overall.
Just as an update on Mic, he has been placed for residential treatment here in Arkansas and we are waiting on a bed. Should be sometime at the end of the month. I dread the day (because Melissa will be a mess) and I look forward to the day (we can all stop waling on eggshells waiting on his next explosion. In the meantime, we are trying to get through one day at a time without him hurting himself, someone else, or tearing up the house (he made a dent in the hallway wall today bashing his head against it.)
Sunday was my sister-in-law's 30th birthday. So, of course, we all gathered (there are 15 or 16 of us when we all get together for special occasions) at my mother-in-laws house for lunch. The day started off a little slow. I laid in bed for almost an hour after I woke, just not ready to get up. Not a great sign. The day never really got moving in a positive direction and went downhill for most of the day. I was pretty in the dumps by the time I got home at about 4:30. When we got home, Mic had a total melt-down, throwing things, banging his head against the wall, calling people "bitch" and using an assortment of inappropriate language. It was a good 30 0r 40 minute rage. Not pleasant, but, I noticed later, that it gave me a reason to take the focus off of my mood and direct it toward something else. By the end of the Mic event, I was feeling much better. I'd give today an "ok" overall.
Just as an update on Mic, he has been placed for residential treatment here in Arkansas and we are waiting on a bed. Should be sometime at the end of the month. I dread the day (because Melissa will be a mess) and I look forward to the day (we can all stop waling on eggshells waiting on his next explosion. In the meantime, we are trying to get through one day at a time without him hurting himself, someone else, or tearing up the house (he made a dent in the hallway wall today bashing his head against it.)
Friday, March 2, 2007
Jekyll & Hyde
Today has been a good day. Compared to yesterday, today has been a great day. But in trying to remain within the structure of an objective scale, it didn't qualify as "great", but it certainly hit the "good" category. I have bipolar disorder. Bipolar disorder is characterized by mood swings. I know that, even after ECT treatments, I still live with a mood disorder and my mood will swing to some extent. I don't remember (take that for what its worth) ever having the kind of mood swing I've had over the last two days. I don't think I'm manic or even hypo-manic today. Its more like I'm at peace. At peace with what, I'm not sure. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
Even knowing that I have a mood disorder and that mood swings are part of that disorder, I don't know how yesterday could have been so bad, how I could have stood so close to ending my life, and how I could feel good today. It is amazing how blind depression makes you. It blinds you to the fact that there is anything good in your life. It takes from you the ability to realize any self-worth or reason for living. Today I am looking at yesterday with a certain amazement. Its as if, yesterday, I was looking at the day from the inside of a snow globe. All I could see was the inside of that globe and the world was confined to the contents of that globe. Today, I'm looking at the snow globe from the outside and realizing that there is so much more to life than what's in that globe. How can those of us that suffer from depression expect those that haven't to understand how it feels or what goes through a depressed mind? I don't even understand my own depression.
For those of you that wrote and commented with concern for me, you can put those worries down for now. The world is a brighter place today. Maybe the pendulum will stop swinging and leave me where I am today.
Even knowing that I have a mood disorder and that mood swings are part of that disorder, I don't know how yesterday could have been so bad, how I could have stood so close to ending my life, and how I could feel good today. It is amazing how blind depression makes you. It blinds you to the fact that there is anything good in your life. It takes from you the ability to realize any self-worth or reason for living. Today I am looking at yesterday with a certain amazement. Its as if, yesterday, I was looking at the day from the inside of a snow globe. All I could see was the inside of that globe and the world was confined to the contents of that globe. Today, I'm looking at the snow globe from the outside and realizing that there is so much more to life than what's in that globe. How can those of us that suffer from depression expect those that haven't to understand how it feels or what goes through a depressed mind? I don't even understand my own depression.
For those of you that wrote and commented with concern for me, you can put those worries down for now. The world is a brighter place today. Maybe the pendulum will stop swinging and leave me where I am today.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
On a scale of 1 to 10...
This was a 1 or a two (although I'm not sure how it could have been much worse.) No precipitating factors. Just shitty out of the gate. Melissa said that she could see it in my eyes when I got out of bed. I spent 2 and a half hours sitting at my home desk, doing absolutely nothing but staring out the window and talking to myself about all of the reasons that today was a good day to die. I discussed exactly what steps I needed to take (there were 7) between where I sat and being past the point of no return. I struggled with reasons NOT to make today my last. The pain I would cause others was the only one I could come up with. That just barely, I guess, outweighed all of the reasons I found to call it quits. I cried off and on most of the day. In the end, I think I was too big of a coward to "pull the trigger" (figurative use of the term...a gun is not part of the plan.)
I horrible talking to Melissa about my real feelings and how dark the places are to which my mind goes often. She has so much on her plate already with general life AND dealing with Mic, his issues which are worsening with time, and residential treatment for him. I can't, I won't, burden her with my problems any more than can be avoided (she sees right through me when I'm feeling badly. I can't hide it very well. ) But I'm tired of being another weight for her to bear. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone around me. I'm tired of my family planning the family life around "how dads feeling." I think I'm just tired of what my life has become. And there's really nothing on the horizon that makes me want to hang on (other than delaying the pain I would cause my loved ones.) I can't stand the idea of my death having a life long negative effect on Maggie for the sake of ending my pain. I know that Maggie wil greive for me, and I would like to think that she will get past it in time and go on to reach the great potential that she possesses. I can't help feeling like Melissa knows the inevitable end to this story as well as I do, and that ending the story sooner rather than later would save everyone a lot of grief.
Maybe it just wasn't time yet today (although I got everything in order that needs to be in order and had the act down to several easily-carried out steps.) Maybe I'm too much of a coward to go all the way. Maybe tomorrow will be better and it won't matter. These really bad days are usually followed by a better one. But today was as bad a day as I've had since ECT. And the bad days seem to be getting worse and more frequent. I try to convince myself that, as Melissa says, these are just bobbles in my mood. But they are really just plunges in my mood (trees) in a forest of an otherwise increasingly miserable and unlivable existence. Back in Denver, today might have included an admission to the psych hospital (against my wishes.) Here, in Fayetteville, AR, there are no psych hospitals. There is really very little support other than family.
I can't decide if I'm upset with myself for not going forward with the plan today, or thankful for another day and another chance for life to seem better. In either case, I guess I feel lucky to be alive, and unlucky enought to have to deal with another day tomorrow that feels just like the one today. There's always tomorrow for making final and important decisions. For myself, I have to know that ending my life is the right thing to do before I go there. Today, I guess, I just wasn't quite that sure. Tomorrow...who knows? Wish me luck, or pray for me, or whatever your faith leads you to.
I horrible talking to Melissa about my real feelings and how dark the places are to which my mind goes often. She has so much on her plate already with general life AND dealing with Mic, his issues which are worsening with time, and residential treatment for him. I can't, I won't, burden her with my problems any more than can be avoided (she sees right through me when I'm feeling badly. I can't hide it very well. ) But I'm tired of being another weight for her to bear. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone around me. I'm tired of my family planning the family life around "how dads feeling." I think I'm just tired of what my life has become. And there's really nothing on the horizon that makes me want to hang on (other than delaying the pain I would cause my loved ones.) I can't stand the idea of my death having a life long negative effect on Maggie for the sake of ending my pain. I know that Maggie wil greive for me, and I would like to think that she will get past it in time and go on to reach the great potential that she possesses. I can't help feeling like Melissa knows the inevitable end to this story as well as I do, and that ending the story sooner rather than later would save everyone a lot of grief.
Maybe it just wasn't time yet today (although I got everything in order that needs to be in order and had the act down to several easily-carried out steps.) Maybe I'm too much of a coward to go all the way. Maybe tomorrow will be better and it won't matter. These really bad days are usually followed by a better one. But today was as bad a day as I've had since ECT. And the bad days seem to be getting worse and more frequent. I try to convince myself that, as Melissa says, these are just bobbles in my mood. But they are really just plunges in my mood (trees) in a forest of an otherwise increasingly miserable and unlivable existence. Back in Denver, today might have included an admission to the psych hospital (against my wishes.) Here, in Fayetteville, AR, there are no psych hospitals. There is really very little support other than family.
I can't decide if I'm upset with myself for not going forward with the plan today, or thankful for another day and another chance for life to seem better. In either case, I guess I feel lucky to be alive, and unlucky enought to have to deal with another day tomorrow that feels just like the one today. There's always tomorrow for making final and important decisions. For myself, I have to know that ending my life is the right thing to do before I go there. Today, I guess, I just wasn't quite that sure. Tomorrow...who knows? Wish me luck, or pray for me, or whatever your faith leads you to.
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