On a scale of 1 to 10...

This was a 1 or a two (although I'm not sure how it could have been much worse.) No precipitating factors. Just shitty out of the gate. Melissa said that she could see it in my eyes when I got out of bed. I spent 2 and a half hours sitting at my home desk, doing absolutely nothing but staring out the window and talking to myself about all of the reasons that today was a good day to die. I discussed exactly what steps I needed to take (there were 7) between where I sat and being past the point of no return. I struggled with reasons NOT to make today my last. The pain I would cause others was the only one I could come up with. That just barely, I guess, outweighed all of the reasons I found to call it quits. I cried off and on most of the day. In the end, I think I was too big of a coward to "pull the trigger" (figurative use of the term...a gun is not part of the plan.)

I horrible talking to Melissa about my real feelings and how dark the places are to which my mind goes often. She has so much on her plate already with general life AND dealing with Mic, his issues which are worsening with time, and residential treatment for him. I can't, I won't, burden her with my problems any more than can be avoided (she sees right through me when I'm feeling badly. I can't hide it very well. ) But I'm tired of being another weight for her to bear. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone around me. I'm tired of my family planning the family life around "how dads feeling." I think I'm just tired of what my life has become. And there's really nothing on the horizon that makes me want to hang on (other than delaying the pain I would cause my loved ones.) I can't stand the idea of my death having a life long negative effect on Maggie for the sake of ending my pain. I know that Maggie wil greive for me, and I would like to think that she will get past it in time and go on to reach the great potential that she possesses. I can't help feeling like Melissa knows the inevitable end to this story as well as I do, and that ending the story sooner rather than later would save everyone a lot of grief.

Maybe it just wasn't time yet today (although I got everything in order that needs to be in order and had the act down to several easily-carried out steps.) Maybe I'm too much of a coward to go all the way. Maybe tomorrow will be better and it won't matter. These really bad days are usually followed by a better one. But today was as bad a day as I've had since ECT. And the bad days seem to be getting worse and more frequent. I try to convince myself that, as Melissa says, these are just bobbles in my mood. But they are really just plunges in my mood (trees) in a forest of an otherwise increasingly miserable and unlivable existence. Back in Denver, today might have included an admission to the psych hospital (against my wishes.) Here, in Fayetteville, AR, there are no psych hospitals. There is really very little support other than family.

I can't decide if I'm upset with myself for not going forward with the plan today, or thankful for another day and another chance for life to seem better. In either case, I guess I feel lucky to be alive, and unlucky enought to have to deal with another day tomorrow that feels just like the one today. There's always tomorrow for making final and important decisions. For myself, I have to know that ending my life is the right thing to do before I go there. Today, I guess, I just wasn't quite that sure. Tomorrow...who knows? Wish me luck, or pray for me, or whatever your faith leads you to.