For many of the days in this last week, my mood has seemed pretty unstable (relative to the week before.) Usually my mood varies from day to day. Days that start good seem to be good, and days that are going to be bad usually don't start out very good to begin with. But that rule doesn't seem to be holding lately. Mood shifts seem to come more quickly and good and bad moods seem to be getting shorter and occurring intra-day instead of on a day-by-day basis. Lately, also, I don't eat when I'm depressed. Nothing sounds good and I don't seem to get hungry. This is a new aspect of my depressed moods. I'm not sure when it started or what caused the change.
Sunday, we had the whole local family over for lunch for my mother-in-law's birthday. The whole gang is comprised of 14 people ranging in age from about 6 months to about 65. I don't know why, but Sundays and these big family get-togethers don't seem to be good for me. Yesterday, I found my mood getting worse as the day went on. I like all of my in-laws, and I'm sure its not the people that push my mood down. Melissa hypothesized that the phenomenon was due to the fact that it isn't with my family that we get together. I don't really have much family that I stay in touch with (there's my dad, and that's about it.) I don't know what the connection between the big family gatherings and my mood is, but its pretty consistent. Sundays are usually hard days for me in general. I think that's because Sunday has always been a hard day for Mic. He's usually bored by Sunday, needing to go back to school or day-treatment, and needing constant attention. But with Mic out of the house, I should be able to relax and enjoy the day. That just doesn't seem to happen. After everyone was gone yesterday, after sitting around and realizing how bad my mood had become, I took Maggie out to the driving range to hit a bucket of golf balls. Getting out and doing something usually helps, and it did yesterday.
Today started out bad, from the minute I got out of bed, was bad for most of the day, and then got better. The swings in my mood seem to be getting shorter, with an "ok" mood at one end of the scope and "really shitty" at the other end. Today, I worked at the liquor store. The whole morning seemed like it lasted forever, and none of it was good. At one point, I hid in the store room and just sat there, staring at the floor. I felt like just sitting there and crying. All of the thoughts that go along with my depression were running through my head (thoughts of everything that I've lost as a result of depression and ECT, worthlessness, having nothing to look forward to, not wanting to fight my way through another day, suicide). I worked very hard at not breaking down and crying, but a couple of tears fell from my eyes anyway. Had I not been at work, I'm sure I would have been much worse. My mind wouldn't leave the idea of dying and who I would be hurting and how I could better prepare things before I go. Depressed mood and suicidal ideation always go hand-in-hand for me now. In the past, I could be depressed and just feel shitty, but not think about ending my life. Not any more. Depression and suicide have a solid link, and one doesn't come without the other. Since about 1:00, however, my mood has improved. I came home and mowed the lawn and worked on a gate to the backyard and started dinner. No explanation for the shift in mood, but I'm glad for it.
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I woke up, and found a risque email from a semi-admirer with whom I've been harmlessly flirting. My mood was great. I went out for a surf, and did really well for about five minutes (terrific mood!) and then badly for one hundred and fifteen minutes (oh, did that mood get bad). Then, a former friend turned vicious enemy followed me home from the beach, harrassed and threatened me. (Oh, what that did to my mood! I was so upset!) I spent some time worrying about how she was going to "spin" this episode to the neighbors to make them hate me, the way she always does. (Hopeless, depressed, helpless mood.) I re-enacted our encounter to beat myself up and try to figure out how else I could have handled it. (Low point of the day.) But then a dog kissed me (better than Prozac! or maybe the dog was on Prozac and I got some in the spit, who knows!) I had some coffee which picked me up some more. (A drug I shamelessly self administer.)I sat down at the computer to do some work (a surefire way to feel better). Then the electricity went out, throwing my plans into disarry and plunging my mood downward. But then twenty minutes later the electricity went on, and I had dinner. Mood boost again, did the sushi do that? Then I sat down at the computer again and it went better than I anticipated. Perhaps the high point of the day!
Then I read your blog.
Mike, the point is, "mood swings" happen to EVERYBODY EVERY DAY ALL THE TIME.
I couldn't stand living either if I were taking my emotional temperature every five minutes. What would happen if you didn't do that? If you considered that what you go through is not so different from what we all go through just because we're human, and not a series of psychiatric symptoms?
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