Melancholy Days

I had something of particular interest to write about today, but I can't remember what it was.

The last two days have been somewhat melancholy. I wouldn't say I've been depressed. Not overly sad or crying or having that overwhelming sense of uselessness (but having a more resolved sense of uselessness.) But they certainly haven't been good days. I'd give them an "OK" on the scale.

In looking at my life, I can't get used to the fact that I don't do anything but keep the house clean, feed the kids and go to the grocery store. I remember (a rare phenomenon) when I used to work my butt off as a lawyer and a mortgage broker having these thoughts about what it would be like to not have to work and to be able to do what I wanted every day. Then, I thought that it would be great. Now, standing on this side of the fence, I note that the grass isn't any greener and, in fact, is nothing but clumps of dying weeds. I just don't feel any usefulness coming from any part of my life. Thoughts of suicide come and go as a regular part of my life, and have (again) for a couple of months. They aren't, now, thoughts of desperation like they once were before ECT started. The thoughts are simply thoughts about how much I don't want to live like this any more. I just feel tired. Tired of the day to day struggle. Tired of waking up every day and dreading doing another day just like the last one. I'm still on the lookout for a way to curb these thoughts and look at my days with enthusiasm and excitement. I look for ways to be happy to have so much free time and the freedom to do with my days what I want. I hope to find that enthusiasm and excitement sometime soon.

Melissa was telling me a story about a father and son that went to a special ball game together. When asked how the game was, the father replied "Oh! It was GREAT! We had such a blast!" I don't seem to ever feel that way. Nothing that I do produces enough pleasure for me to call it great. As close as I've come was a couple weekends ago when I met a former roommate of mine at our alma mater for a night (there was a ceremony that we attended, along with dinner and an alumni basketball game.) It was an enjoyable evening. It was one of the rare times when I wasn't thinking about how things could be better. "How could things be better?" is the central theme in my life. Its what rules every day. And its what I am trying to break away from for a glimpse of all that I DO have in my life. I wonder if that glimpse of the good is ever going to come.

Check out the link on the right entitled "Shock Treatment, Brain Damage, and Memory Loss: A Neurological Perspective." The section entitled "Memory Loss" is particularly on the money in describing the memory and cognitive losses I have noticed following ECT.