I had something of particular interest to write about today, but I can't remember what it was.
The last two days have been somewhat melancholy. I wouldn't say I've been depressed. Not overly sad or crying or having that overwhelming sense of uselessness (but having a more resolved sense of uselessness.) But they certainly haven't been good days. I'd give them an "OK" on the scale.
In looking at my life, I can't get used to the fact that I don't do anything but keep the house clean, feed the kids and go to the grocery store. I remember (a rare phenomenon) when I used to work my butt off as a lawyer and a mortgage broker having these thoughts about what it would be like to not have to work and to be able to do what I wanted every day. Then, I thought that it would be great. Now, standing on this side of the fence, I note that the grass isn't any greener and, in fact, is nothing but clumps of dying weeds. I just don't feel any usefulness coming from any part of my life. Thoughts of suicide come and go as a regular part of my life, and have (again) for a couple of months. They aren't, now, thoughts of desperation like they once were before ECT started. The thoughts are simply thoughts about how much I don't want to live like this any more. I just feel tired. Tired of the day to day struggle. Tired of waking up every day and dreading doing another day just like the last one. I'm still on the lookout for a way to curb these thoughts and look at my days with enthusiasm and excitement. I look for ways to be happy to have so much free time and the freedom to do with my days what I want. I hope to find that enthusiasm and excitement sometime soon.
Melissa was telling me a story about a father and son that went to a special ball game together. When asked how the game was, the father replied "Oh! It was GREAT! We had such a blast!" I don't seem to ever feel that way. Nothing that I do produces enough pleasure for me to call it great. As close as I've come was a couple weekends ago when I met a former roommate of mine at our alma mater for a night (there was a ceremony that we attended, along with dinner and an alumni basketball game.) It was an enjoyable evening. It was one of the rare times when I wasn't thinking about how things could be better. "How could things be better?" is the central theme in my life. Its what rules every day. And its what I am trying to break away from for a glimpse of all that I DO have in my life. I wonder if that glimpse of the good is ever going to come.
Check out the link on the right entitled "Shock Treatment, Brain Damage, and Memory Loss: A Neurological Perspective." The section entitled "Memory Loss" is particularly on the money in describing the memory and cognitive losses I have noticed following ECT.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Meds change leads to some horrible days
During my recent first appointment with my new psychiatrist, we decided to increase my Lamictal dosage. I was on a very low dosage and I was having some increasingly significant mood swings. The dosage was doubled, to be increased in two steps. After the first step in the increase, after about 3 or 4 days, I had a really down day. I have had, routinely, down days with increasing frequency, since ending my ECT treatments. But this one was different. It was a plunge. Very dark outlook, isolated...just a shitty day altogether. And the next day I was fine. I didn't think much of it other than it was a more severe mood swing than had been the norm.
A week later, I increased the Lamictal again. 3 or 4 days later, another (and even worse) plunge. I cried all day, thought about suicide, even worked on my suicide letter to my family. And the next day...I was fine. I don't believe much in coincidence. Has anyone else had a similar experience when increasing mood stabilizers?
A week later, I increased the Lamictal again. 3 or 4 days later, another (and even worse) plunge. I cried all day, thought about suicide, even worked on my suicide letter to my family. And the next day...I was fine. I don't believe much in coincidence. Has anyone else had a similar experience when increasing mood stabilizers?
A funny story
Being in a new city (town), I had to seek out new psychiatric help. I looked through the list of doctors "in network" on my insurance (which, by the way, sucks). There were several to choose from. I picked on that wasn't ancient (and more likely to be up to date on new medications and research on my illness). I also looked for some additional credentials. I found a doctor that was in Private practice and who also worked as a forensic psychiatrist...interesting.
During my first visit, we talked for quite some time about past treatment, what I needed now, what I had tried and hadn't tried, and other preliminary things. About half way through this conversation, it occurred to me that this doctor seemed familiar for some reason. She was attractive, about my age (I realized after some time), and something about her reminded me of someone. Without using any names...I realized that I hadn't paid much attention to what her first name was. I also realized that I was back Arkansas, where I grew up and went to college. I glanced over at some paperwork I had in the chair beside me, and there it was: Her full name. And I realized, in this flash of light, that I knew this lady from college. We were in the same class! We hung out with the same people (and I guess, indirectly hung out together). We drank and partied together! Needless to say, once I mentioned our connection, our conversation went off on a bot of a tangent when she realized that she knew me too. Small world...too small.
During my first visit, we talked for quite some time about past treatment, what I needed now, what I had tried and hadn't tried, and other preliminary things. About half way through this conversation, it occurred to me that this doctor seemed familiar for some reason. She was attractive, about my age (I realized after some time), and something about her reminded me of someone. Without using any names...I realized that I hadn't paid much attention to what her first name was. I also realized that I was back Arkansas, where I grew up and went to college. I glanced over at some paperwork I had in the chair beside me, and there it was: Her full name. And I realized, in this flash of light, that I knew this lady from college. We were in the same class! We hung out with the same people (and I guess, indirectly hung out together). We drank and partied together! Needless to say, once I mentioned our connection, our conversation went off on a bot of a tangent when she realized that she knew me too. Small world...too small.
Out of the frying pan, into the fire
Welcome! This is the first post in this new blog which is a sequel to my previous blog, "ECT: A Journey out of Darkness" (http://www.mikeect.blogspot.com/). I had stopped writing in that blog because, in its beginnings, that blog was to keep track of the day to day life of a patient undergoing ECT treatments. Those ended 10 months ago. It seemed to me that my ECT journey had ended, and thus, so should the blog. Having picked up several regular readers along the way, I was reminded that the ECT journey hadn't ended, that there was very little data concerning the long-term effects of ECT, and that several people cared and were interested in how things were going on a continuing basis. Instead of continuing the previous blog, this blog will pick up where the other left off and deal with the road post-ECT.
SallyT, a friend I picked up while writing the previous blog, suggested that my ECT road hadn't ended, but that it will continue indefinitely as I continue to find out who the post-ECT me really is. And believe me, the post-ECT Mike is a completely different person from the pre-ECT Mike. ECT did wonders for the depression I suffered from. It also had some very devastating side effects which have changed who I am, what I can and can't do, and even my likes and dislikes. I don't know if I can say that ECT saved my life. It extended A life. But my life before depression and ECT ended some time ago and a new life began. I spend every day exploring what that new life is all about, who I am, where I can go from here (asked another way "Is this all there is left?"), and what I want for myself and my family going forward.
Its been a while since my lasts posts in the previous blog. In the meantime, my family has moved from one state to another, rented a house for a while, bought a house and moved again, and spent a lot of time adjusting to life in a new place with new people and a new way of life. I guess that move and the changes it brought have complicated my efforts at figuring out what life looks like after ECT.
I have, in past journals (which I try to keep up with, with varying degrees of success), I have tried to use mood rating scales, most often from 1 (terrible day) to 10 (better days than I've had in a long long time.) The problem with such rating scales is that, while appearing to be objective, they aren't. I have found that the scores are subject to my mood at the time I'm rating a day, and so they are unreliable. So, I will try, for purposes of this blog and for my own records, a simpler scale: "Great", "Good", "OK", and "Bad." We'll see how that works.
I like to write, sometimes about my mood and my illness, and sometimes about my off-the-wall philosophies and other things. Please feel free to comment, e-mail, or whatever. I love hearing from readers, both those that I know and those that find this blog by chance on the world wide web. If you have any links that might be helpful to others reading this blog, please send them to me or include them in a comment.
SallyT, a friend I picked up while writing the previous blog, suggested that my ECT road hadn't ended, but that it will continue indefinitely as I continue to find out who the post-ECT me really is. And believe me, the post-ECT Mike is a completely different person from the pre-ECT Mike. ECT did wonders for the depression I suffered from. It also had some very devastating side effects which have changed who I am, what I can and can't do, and even my likes and dislikes. I don't know if I can say that ECT saved my life. It extended A life. But my life before depression and ECT ended some time ago and a new life began. I spend every day exploring what that new life is all about, who I am, where I can go from here (asked another way "Is this all there is left?"), and what I want for myself and my family going forward.
Its been a while since my lasts posts in the previous blog. In the meantime, my family has moved from one state to another, rented a house for a while, bought a house and moved again, and spent a lot of time adjusting to life in a new place with new people and a new way of life. I guess that move and the changes it brought have complicated my efforts at figuring out what life looks like after ECT.
I have, in past journals (which I try to keep up with, with varying degrees of success), I have tried to use mood rating scales, most often from 1 (terrible day) to 10 (better days than I've had in a long long time.) The problem with such rating scales is that, while appearing to be objective, they aren't. I have found that the scores are subject to my mood at the time I'm rating a day, and so they are unreliable. So, I will try, for purposes of this blog and for my own records, a simpler scale: "Great", "Good", "OK", and "Bad." We'll see how that works.
I like to write, sometimes about my mood and my illness, and sometimes about my off-the-wall philosophies and other things. Please feel free to comment, e-mail, or whatever. I love hearing from readers, both those that I know and those that find this blog by chance on the world wide web. If you have any links that might be helpful to others reading this blog, please send them to me or include them in a comment.
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